March 20, 2014

Bracketdoccio 2014

In what has become a yearly Wahooze tradition (see the 2012 and 2013 versions!), here is my rambling, freewheeling, meandering, profanity-laced list of innuendo for the 2014 NCAA Tournament.  Enjoy!  Or not.  I really don't give a shit.

You should, however, note that using this as guidance for betting is... well... it's stupid.  As in, I have no clue what I'm talking about when it comes to this stuff.  I'm guessing at this just like that bucktooth apple-eating bitch in accounting.  You might as well listen to her over me, except I'm more likely to call her a bitch than she is to not have a post-noon BM in your favorite bathroom.  Which is to say, read this post if you like swear words.  Go talk to her if you like cats.

South Regional

-- Everyone, everyone, everyone likes Florida in the Final Four.  I do too, in much the same way I believe in God; I'm just too scared to cut against the grain.  But if I were to go full-blown atheist, I'd probably pick Syracuse to win four and get to Dallas.  SYRACUSE???  Yeah, Syracuse.  They're getting healthy.  And after shitting the bed in Greensboro and playing just one game, they're rested.  I look for them to return to their form from the first three-quarters of the season, during which time they went undefeated.  Again, I don't really know what I'm talking about, just random musing.

-- Want a trendy vogue upset pick from this part of the bracket?  Go with Western Michigan over Cuse.  Want a stunning upset that'll actually happen, instead?  Dayton over Ohio State.  The Fuckeyes are about as boring as an adult handjob, with Aaron Craft the most cliched good defender in the history of basketball.  I don't know a damn thing about Dayton, but I once heard they can stroke the J... adult handjob style.

-- Okay, so a 11-6 upset isn't upsetty enough for you.  I get it.  You want to take down bigger game, o valiant hunter.  Try Eastern Kentucky over Kansas.

-- Or instead of the crazy hail mary of the EKU pick, why don't you try to actually win your bracket pool instead?

-- Talking heads like New Mexico over Kansas in the 2nd round.  I like the Lobos too, but last year this same team fell apart against Harvard.  I don't see them doing much better this year.  They should be able to beat Stanford, and that'll do it.

-- So in the end, I think this ends up being a very chalky regional.  Florida/UCLA and Kansas/Syracuse in the Elite Eight, with Florida topping the Cuse to go to the Final Four.

East Regional

-- A point that needs to be made: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?  Virginia has earned a 1-seed, and all the peripherals point toward the Hoos being a legit national title contender.  So pull out a pen and put 'em through to Dallas.  Chances like this don't come along very often, where you can bet on the Hoos and not look like a total assclown for doing it.  Virginia over Iowa State in the Elite Eight.

... in Madison Square Garden

-- ISU was my Final Four darkhorse this season.  Sadly, they got a 3-seed, which took them out of "darkhorse" status, and then they were plopped into UVA's regional, which took them out of the Final Four.  But these Cyclones are good, folks.  I won't be mad atcha if you put them in your Final Four (you soulless prick).

-- Everybody's all worried about Michigan State.  Yeah, Tom Izzo is basketball Jesus, but the dude doesn't walk on water.  Sparty is beatable, and we're just the team to do it.  So relax.  Put them in the Sweet Sixteen, then have Virginia beating them.

-- I like another 11-6 upset in this part of the bracket, Providence over North Carolina.  Cotton > Paige.  And Roy Williams is a hack...

...and a douche

-- I wonder if any shitbag UNC fans got one of those plaid jackets and wear them to work.  Or to, like weddings and funerals and shit.  Job interviews.  Wait, these are Carolina fans, of course all of that shit happens.

-- Nice shamrock pin, ya feckin' loser.

-- They'll tell you Harvard is going to beat Cincinnati.  Don't believe them.  Cincinnati is going to bodyslam those nerds.

-- Memphis is another darkhorse I really liked before the brackets came out.  Now look.  They get to beat up on GW before we packline them to oblivion.

-- I don't really see anything else compelling here.  There's talk that Shabazz Napier is this year's Kemba Walker (he isn't), and there's talk that Villanova could surprise and make a Final Four run (they won't).  I try not to trust anyone with two Zs in their first name, and I learned the hard way to not put any Tournament expectations on Nova.

-- This regional boils down to the Virginia/Michigan State winner taking on Iowa State.  I give UVA a 33.3333334% chance of advancing.  Sparty gets a 33.33.3333333% chance.  The Cyclones get a 33.3333333% chance, too.  So flip a three-sided coin with a cunthair stuck to the UVA side.

West Regional

-- This is the consensus weakest region.  Maybe so, but any of Zona, Wisky, Creighton, Baylor, Oregon, or OK State could make it to Dallas.  So call it weak if you want... I prefer to say it's wide open.

-- And that wide-openness has been reflected by some of my picks.  I've had brackets with the 6, 7, 9, and 12-seeds in the Sweet Sixteen.  I've also had brackets where the chalk holds, and we get 1-4 in the Sweetness.

-- I will say that I'd be downright pissed if I were an Arizona fan.  Oklahoma State as the 9-seed?  I mean, c'mon.  I know the body of work wasn't stellar or whatever, but that team's highly dangerous.

-- But look, Zona is better than the Pokes.  They just are.  So don't get cute and fall in love with Marcus Smart.  Play it smart (see what I did there?) and pick the Wildcats through to the Elite Eight.

-- North Dakota State-over-Oklahoma is such a trendy upset pick that it'd be the actual upset if the Sooners won.  So curveball it up, pick Oklahoma, and have New Mexico State beat San Diego State!

At least Rebecca Lobo doesn't play for them anymore.

-- It overjoys me to see Gonzaga West Coast Duke facing OK State in the 1st round.  No mercy, Pokes.

-- I kinda think Creighton guns its way to the Final Four out of this regional.  Ethan Wragge is about to go supernova, with all of the triangle-2s focusing on stopping Doug McDermott.

-- I do like Baylor and Oregon, but Wisconsin is damn good this season, so I think we end up with chalk in the bottom part of this bracket.

Midwest Regional

-- This is where I think we're going to see all of the stunning upsets in this tourney.

-- UMass is doomed to failure against Tennessee.

-- I fully expect Jahii Carson and Arizona State to take down Texas.

-- Mercer could give Duke a surprising challenge in the 1st round.

Never forget.

-- Kentucky is another "fuck you 1-seed" team in the 8/9 game... but they might struggle to beat K-State.

-- Saint Louis is ice-cold, but they still have the goods to win a few games.  Dwayne Evans: legit.

-- EVERYBODY likes Louisville coming out of the Midwest.  I certainly like them more than I like Duke or Meatchicken, and it seems inevitable that Wichita is going to lose at some point.  So L'Ville makes sense.  It's boring, but it makes sense.

-- I oddly find myself pulling for Wichita State.  No idea why.  I typically hate vogue mid-majors.

-- Arizona State is going to beat Michigan and go to the Sweet Sixteen.  You heard it here first.  Jahii Carson will be a 2014 Tournament star.

-- If the Wichita State Shockers beat Cal Poly and Kentucky, and then lose to Louisville, is it okay for us to say "two in the pink, one in the stink?"

My Final Four

My Alternate Final Four
Iowa State
Wichita State

Final Four #3
Michigan State
Duke (I guess)

I'm finding that I really like this year's 3-seeds.  That means they're all doomed to failure.

Kendall's All-Regional Teams

PG) Scottie Wilbekin, Florida
SG) Chasson Randle, Stanford
SF) C.J. Fair, Syracuse
PF) Cameron Bairstow, New Mexico
C) Joel Embiid, Kansas

PG) Bryce Cotton, Providence
SG) Joe Harris, Virginia
SF) Melvin Ejim, Iowa State
PF) Akil Mitchell, Virginia
PF) Adreian Payne, Michigan State

PG) Marcus Smart, Oklahoma State
SG) Nick Johnson, Arizona
SF) Doug McDermott, Creighton
PF) Cory Jefferson, Baylor
C) Frank Kaminsky, Wisconsin

PG) Jahii Carson, Arizona State
SG) Ron Baker, Wichita State
SF) Jabari Parker, Duke
PF) Jarnell Stokes, Tennessee
PF) Montrezl Harrell, Louisville


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