August 28, 2014

2014 Haiku Preview

Back by popular demand (has it been a year already?), it's time for Wahooze's most popular annual poetry feature: The Haiku Preview. Rather than the usual 500 word essays breaking down the intricacies of each scheduled opponent, we're going to look ahead at the enemy in 17-syllable chunks. The hopes and dreams of a nation of Wahoo faithful (until 11/14/14) rest on the team's ability to beat most of these foes. Let's see how it will shake out:

vs UCLA 08/30
Wow. Pac-12 again?
Brand name games. 2 win seasons.
 40k. Big loss.

vs UR 09/06
Hi Michael Rocco!
More QB uncertainty?
Sounds familiar. Win.

vs Louisville 09/13
Our newest "rivals"
OK. Your coach is a sleeze.
Though Bridgewater, Loss.

@ BYU 09/20
Tough road test for sure
Maybe a 3% chance
Well, more like 0.

vs Kent State 09/27
The Golden Flashes
Might do us a big favor
Lose? Fire London.

vs Pitt 10/04
We own their o-line
Eli Harold sack party
Match last year's wins here!

@ Duke 10/18
Ugh. The Blue Devils
Have we beat them recently?
Maybe now's the time

vs UNC 10/25
They don't go to class
They haze like an 80's frat
They'll win this game, though

@ GT 11/01
We might play well here
But the scheme seems to beat us
...let's guess: Hoos close win!

@ FSU 11/08
This could get ugly
Let's avoid the injuries
A safe big time loss

vs Miami 11/22
Al Golden = hot seat
Maybe he can coach here next
Don't want that. We lose.

@ VT 11/28
Not sold on VT
Though I don't think we're better
Not this year. Again.


Well, there you have it. The poetry gods say 4-8 with a mid-season coach firing! Sounds intriguing...


August 27, 2014

WahoozeCast - August, 26th

Check it here, WahoozeNation. A new podcast this week. A new podcast hosting site. Hopefully this makes streaming/downloading easier, plus brings back the RSS feed feature. This week's podcast is a special one:

The WahoozeCast of Positivity



That's right, nearly 45 whole minutes of nothing but positive thoughts from us about the UVA football team and its upcoming season. Enjoy.

This really doesn't need a caption. A cat-ption.


August 19, 2014

Wahooze Booze -- The 2014 Tight Ends/Fullbacks

20120901-UVa-Richmond434.jpg
Can Zach Swanson fill McGee’s role? (Photo Credit: Andrew Shurtleff)


Kendall: For all of his recruiting prowess - and it’s considerable - I think Mike London’s recruiting has failed the Virginia program in two areas -- the offensive line (which we’ll talk about on Friday), and at tight end.


Now, it’s totally possible that our coaching staff has been strategically de-emphasizing the tight end position since 2010, choosing instead to focus on recruiting big wide receivers and jumbo athletes, and then letting guys play / grow their way into the tight end position.  That explains how [TE-turned-fullback-turned-TE] Zach Swanson, [DE-turned-TE] Rob Burns, and [WR-turned-TE] Mario Nixon came to roost at the position.  But the fact of the matter is that we have just two tight ends on our current roster who were recruited to play tight end, and one of those spent some time at fullback earlier in his UVA career.


I’m not saying the handling of this position has been negligent (like along the offensive line), but it sure hasn’t been pretty.  HOWEVER, blind squirrels sometimes manage to find nuts, and I do happen to think we have dumbassed our way into a fairly decent assortment of talent at the tight end position.


Mike: I think it’s pretty interesting how much we’ve deemphasized the position over the years considering the pretty good run we went on putting tight ends into the NFL. While I was in school we were averaging one per season if you count Joe Torchia’s cup of coffee with the Redskins. (Jonathan Stupar, Tom Santi, and John Phillips are the others). I don’t think we’ve actually had a true tight end start to finish come through this program since Colter Phillips and Paul Freedman, both Groh recruits. Mike London has turned every potential tight end athlete into a linebacker or defensive end, see Zach Bradshaw, Max Valles, and Jack English. To me this idea that you can just plug in a guy at TE had really taken over the program until Tom O'Brien showed up, and it’s a miracle we aren’t in more dire straits at the position. All that being said, a good blocking tight end sure would be nice to help out the line.


Pierce: I’ve said this many many times, but anything that turns UVA football’s focus away from the tradition of solid o-line, pass-catching tight ends, and tiki barbers is a huge mistake. We saw it under Groh in a last-ditch effort to save a failing program by bringing in Gregg Brandon’s spread and we’ve seen it recently again, as Kendall detailed. Especially in a season where the offensive line is near guaranteed to be suspect (if not worse), having a solid group of tight ends is paramount to any sort of offensive success.


Mike: This offense could so easily go back to that kind of style too which is the most depressing part. I think prior to TOB (and that might not even have helped as much as we think) this offense was just wandering aimlessly in the wilderness with no real plan of what the hell they were doing. In the past few recruiting cycles you’re seeing them start to recruit OL and TE more consistently and work back towards a more traditional UVA style, which is to say having any style at all. Mike London has managed to turn something into nothing better than any coach I have ever seen, he’s like the anti-Tony Bennett.


Pierce: Matt Doherty comes to mind. But I digress. What are the positives we can take away from this unit? Swanson has had some solid contributions over the years and all reports point to him having a great rhythm with Greyson (his roommate). Rob Burns has great size (6-7) and plenty of practice experience - plus some definite blocking ability. Plus, we have a guy named “Evan Butts.” Hahaha. Butts.

matt-doherty-unc.jpg
Remember this guy? Good times.


Mike: Butts at tight end is a 4th grade gold mine.

Kendall: Black Swan (Zach Swanson) is a decent receiver, a decent blocker, a decent overall tight end. Solid, nothing to write home about. Rob Burns is big, offers an inviting red zone target, and seems to relish the blocking duties inherent to the position. Those two guys will see the huge majority of playing time at the position. Behind them... well, there's a true freshman, and then zilcho.


Pierce: So where does that leave this unit with a booze metaphor? To me, they’re vodka. Vodka is regularly used, rarely celebrated, often overlooked, and typically unremarkable. Like most spirits, getting some high-quality vodka can lead to some wonderful libations - but largely, no one cares much about what kind of vodka is at the party - as long as there is some. For most football teams, having some standard-quality production from the TEs and FBs is all they can hope for. But, as we’ve seen, UVA always does better when the unit is a clear focus in the offense. This year’s group is missing star power, but hopefully that doesn’t translate to unfavorable results.


vodka.png
As long as it’s not Aristocrat.


Kendall: I like it. Are you including fullbacks in that? Because I love fullbacks.


Mike: We forgot to talk about the fullbacks.


Pierce: See, they’re forgettable, just like their booze. At fullback, Connor Wingo-Reeves has things pretty much locked up. He played in every game as a truth frosh last year and while I’m sure Vincent Croce will be used, Wingo-Reeves should be the go-to guy to lead the blocking for Parks & Co. You know, if we’re not running a spread formation.


Mike: Croce is a weird case. He’s a converted DT playing fullback. Apparently he is going to get some run at tight end as well. The kid obviously is a pretty good athlete, but having battled weight problems (he couldn’t add enough to play at the D1 level) and trying to make it work on the d-line for so long, throwing him in at FB or TE and expecting a world beater is clearly unreasonable. I think CWR is clearly our starter at FB. Kendall loves the guy and I’m sure is about to swoon.

[KENDALL SWOONS. END SCENE]

Kendall: Not so fast. Yes, I love Cunnilingus Reeves (try saying "Connor Wingo-Reeves" three times fast, and see what you get). And YES, I love fullbacks. But it sounds like the UVA offense in 2014 is going to look like this: three-wide, with a split backfield (think KP and Smoke both in the game at the same time). So that means no TEs and no FBs on the field at all. It's a spread look, but we'll run our standard popgun bullshit pro-style plays. And it'll be awful. Pass the vodka, I'm ready to stir up a Kamikaze.




Wahooze note: YES, we are waaaaaay behind schedule on these. C'mon, you could've predicted that! But we'll do our best to finish the series before the season starts. Buckle up.


August 11, 2014

Wahooze Booze -- The 2014 Wide Receivers

Keeon Johnson: stud?

Kendall: When talking about the 2014 wide receivers, I think the best place to start is a quick look at last year’s stats for the guys returning in 2014…

Darius Jennings -- 38 receptions / 340 yards / 3 touchdowns
Keeon Johnson -- 20 / 282 / 1
Kyle Dockins -- 8 / 96 / 0
Caanan Severin -- 5 / 43 / 0
Miles Gooch -- 2 / 25 / 0

And that’s it and that’s all.

Tim Smith took his pedestrian 26 / 389 / 1 line off into the sunset, “The Squirrel” (E.J. Scott) took his 3 / 30 / 0 line to Wake Forest, and Dominique Terrell took his 14 / 107 / 0 to a weird senior season redshirt.

So add up the returning receivers, and you’ve got 73 receptions for 786 yards and 4 touchdowns. I’ll hit you right up the nose with some smelling salts by telling you that in 2013, FIVE individual receivers in the ACC tallied more catches, TWELVE individual receivers in the ACC piled up more yardage, and SIXTEEN individual receivers in the ACC scored more touchdowns.

In a word, our 2014 receiving corps appears to be awful.

Of course, that doesn’t take into account the presumed improvement of would-be go-to wideout Keeon Johnson, nor does it account for the addition of über-recruit Jamil Kamara, nor does it account for the post-redshirt arrival of Andre Levrone, nor does it account for the addition by subtraction of seeing dropmasters Smith and Terrell cycle off the roster, nor does it account for hopeful improvement under center as Greyson Lambert takes the reins from David Twatford. And hey, it can’t get any worse!

So let’s do what we do, and uncork a player-by-player look at the 2014 wide receiving corps…

Oh, and by the way, the metaphor we’re using for the wideouts is… drumroll… wine. Lots of different varieties (varietals?), ya dig? How very UVA of us.



(Wine descriptions courtesy of typesofwine.org)


Keeon Johnson: Champagne
By far the most luxurious drink of all is Champagne, a well-known product of France. Champagne is savored in moments of celebration, and the prices reach the levels of its worldwide fame.
Kendall: I love his size (6-3, 210) and in a season of horrific drops, he seemed bizarrely sure-handed. To me, he looked like a true go-to wide receiver, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Dontrelle Inman and Kris Burd. Of course, he’s young, and OF COURSE the coaching staff didn’t see fit to put him on the field all that much. If they can get their heads out of their collective asses, stick Johnson in as the starting split end and allow him to play through whatever mistakes he makes without going to some asinine WR rotation… then we might just have a plus-level player on our hands. Of course, as with many things regarding the UVA football team this season, that will require a very specific aligning of the stars. But look, if you want to take a leap of faith on Greyson Lambert and Smoke Mizzell, I think it’s an even easier leap of faith on Keeon Johnson, because we’ve actually SEEN him play well on the field. If Johnson can get that regular playing time in a starting role and Lambert locks onto him as the #1 target in the passing game, I could see a 70 catch / 800 yard / 5 TD type of season in the offing. The kid’s only a sophomore, and wouldn’t it be great to have him develop quickly, like Burd did five years ago?


Pierce: Johnson’s definitely already been pegged as the potential go-to guy in the wide receiver group - and that’s not without reason. Anyone with eyes could tell he looked the part last year as a frosh, but as Kendall said, the playing time was shuffled among the numerous other guys attempting to catch passes. Keeon seemed to actually be up for the job last year, so unless there’s a regression (always a chance with our coaching track record!), it makes sense to think he’ll step into the go-to role.


Jamil Kamara: Riesling
Riesling wine comes with appetizing flavors of lime, apple, and pear, combined in a crisp blend. The grapes are famously grown in Germany, but there are also some producers in France and New York. This wine goes nicely with poultry and pork dishes, especially ones with a spicy twist.
Kendall: No offense, but I think Hoofans have gotten a little bit stupid during Mike London’s coaching tenure. Expectations for true freshmen wide receivers not of the elite 5-star variety need to be tempered and suppressed, yet most of Wahoo Nation seems to be looking for Jamil Kamara to stroll in and take over as the starting flanker and dominate. I’m not seeing it. Kamara is an athletic 4-star WR, with great potential, and I’m sure he’ll become a very good player for UVA at some point down the line. I’m just not expecting it in 2014. In fact, I wish London would redshirt the kid. But we already know he won’t do that, so we’ll stupidly waste Kamara’s eventual 5th year in the program [2018] in order to see what he can provide to an already-crowded wide receiving corps as a raw true freshman [2014]. The fact that Kamara chose to wear #1 is a giant red flag to me, I’m not going to lie. He’s assuming that he’s going to step right in and be our best receiving weapon. I like the confidence, but how will he handle it if and when a better, more seasoned, more developed wide receiver (Severin, Levrone, or Jennings) takes that flanker spot and keeps Kamara on the bench? Or worse, how will he handle it if London chooses him (757 bias, remember?) and lets him play through his mistakes while more-deserving players seethe about it? There are a lot of landmines for Jamil Kamara’s true freshman season, and navigating that minefield is not going to be easy. The potential is immense, but so is the potential for disaster. [As a so-called ‘hater’ who is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for Mike London to get canned, I’m also prepared to see Jamil Kamara leave the program after just one season.]


Pierce: To be fair, Kamara is easily the best wide receiver recruit the Hoos have landed in ages. He’s got all the tools to be a star - but it’s still all potential. Considering how other four-star wideouts have fared under London & Co though, I think it definitely is best to watch Kamara actually catch a football in a game before throwing on the hype. (Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me for the past decade of mediocre football, shame on...ugh yeah I guess that’s shame on me still). Though it’s not like Kamara has to answer for the previous guys’ failure to live up to expectations. He honestly could be really really good -- it’s clear when you watch his videos from camp circuits and even this summer’s brief collection of practice highlights. However, it’ll be tough for Jamil to live up to the hype though -- both because of the pieces around him (unproven QB and an o-line in shambles) and the crowded WR depth chart. The latter is a good problem to have. The former is not.


Darius Jennings: Cabernet Sauvignon
This sophisticated French wine is a mix of Cabernet Franc and Merlot, with a full-bodied taste of currant and bell pepper. It is one of the most famous types of wines in the world, especially among the French, Australians, Californians, and Chileans. Cabernet Sauvignon pairs perfectly with meat dishes.
Kendall: Dropsie Jennings, back for more Keystone Cop madness. Seriously, Jennings would be one of the better wide receivers in UVA history if his hands weren’t made from quickcrete-dipped styrofoam. They say he’s had a vision problem that is now fixed (don’t ask me how it took four freaking years for the coaching staff to figure that one out), so I guess we’ll see. I’ve always loved Jennings’ ability to get downfield… so IF Greyson Lambert has time in the pocket to deliver a deep pass, and IF Jennings can actually catch said deep pass, then we might see some big plays out of him during his senior season. To me, those are two really big IFs, and I’m not holding my breath. It’s not a leap of faith to say that DJ is one of our three best receivers, and as such, will play a big role this season. Just… what will he do with that role, and with the targets he receives? Catch the damn ball, Darius.


Pierce: I was so stoked when DJ committed to the Hoos way back when. Clearly, it shows how ridiculous and worthless following football recruiting can be (not like I’m going to stop). Jennings could have always been one of the better receivers on the team, but he’s been plagued with an inability to convert the big play. He’s quick. He finds space. He runs a solid route. But man oh man, when I think of his time here, all I can picture are the drops -- a vivid picture of a night game at home vs UNC comes to mind in particular. As Kendall notes, there’s good reason to think DJ will run with the first group of receivers this year, though -- let’s hope he makes the most of it as his career wraps up in Cville.


Kyle Dockins: Fortified Wine
Fortified wine is a wine that has been blended with a liquor. The liquor most often used for this is Brandy which is essentially just distilled wine. This gives fortified wines a distinct flavor and a higher alcohol content than normal wine – usually at least %15 ABV.
Pierce: Oh Jake McGee, where oh where have you gone? Florida? Oh, word. Good on you, Jake McGee. But who does that leave to step into the role of “big guy in space in the middle of the field?” Kyle Dockins - a 6-3, 210 redshirt sophomore from 757 land. Dockins started 4 games last year and caught a handful of passes in most of the games. His time on the roster has followed a somewhat McGee-like assignment of part-tight end/part-wide receiver, but he’s seem to have it figured out as a bigger wide receiver, who’s certainly asked to block often in the running game. He wasn’t a heralded recruit by any means, but most Wahoo fans would say his first season on the field was a pleasant surprise. For a fanbase desperate to see guys actually catch a football, we’ll take what we can get. If Dockins continues to improve, he’ll be involved for sure -- plus, this season he’s got a new quarterback tossing it to him -- which should certainly be beneficial.

 
Kendall: When London recruited Dockins, I remember saying something to the effect of, “oh, cool, we need more tight ends, and ‘move’ tight ends - Jimmy Graham / Jordan Cameron types - are the wave of the future, I like this.” Skip ahead a few years, and here’s Dockins, a big-bodied guy with some wheels and hands, working exclusively out of the slot. He’s listed as a wide receiver, but don’t let that fool you… he’s a move tight end. And that’s cool, because I like bigger guys in the slot, smashing through traffic and blocking the edge for the run game. Dockins was listed as the starting slot receiver on the post-Spring depth chart, and I think that holds true for the balance of the season ahead. He should also be able to provide a nice target in the red zone.


Caanan Severin: Merlot
If you are not sure whether you like red wine, let aside what type of red wine, Merlot is a safe bet! This type of wine is very soft, with a mild mix of plum and blackberry flavors. All you need to do is add a box of delicious chocolates, and you got yourself the perfect mix! In terms of food, Merlot pairs well with just about any dish, especially with desserts.
Kendall: Holy crap, he’s already a junior? Stupid burned redshirts. 2014 should be Severin’s sophomore season of eligibility, sheesh. Anyway, like seemingly every other UVA wideout, Severin is listed at 6-2, 210. I like all of the big receivers, but at this point in his career I think it’s fair to wonder if Severin is “just a guy.” He failed to really make hay in the Spring, and emerged listed behind Dockins in the slot on the post-Spring depth chart. Last season’s five catches is something to build on, I suppose. I just don’t know that Severin brings anything special to the table. He should clearly be behind a handful of other guys in the pecking order. Specifically, I think Andre Levrone rises up to eat Severin’s lunch.


Pierce: Severin’s a JUNIOR? Good lord our coaches are terrible at roster management. I hope those five catches last year were worth the experience of live playing time as a frosh (they weren’t). There’s not a lot to go off of, obviously, when talking about what to expect from Caanan this year - but certainly he’s got the potential to contribute. The more I write about this year’s WR unit, the more I think “Hey, that’s a guy who actually catches the ball.” Maybe Caanan fits in there, but we’ll have to wait and see.

Andre Levrone: Chardonnay
Chardonnay is an exquisite white wine, produced mostly in Burgundy in France, but also on the coast of California. A glass of Chardonnay comes with a refreshing taste of oak and citrus fruit and hints of apple, pear, and melon. The delicious wine is a great accompaniment to seafood dishes, poultry, and pork.
Pierce: Keep an eye on Levrone for this year’s Keeon Johnson “Guy Who Actually Contributes as a Wideout Award.” Levrone redshirted last year as a first year -- because despite not getting much production from the position, there were plenty of guys listed as wide receivers on the roster. Anyhoo -- he’s got decent size and wheels and from all accounts I hear, could easily be the top contributor of the new crop of receivers this year. Levrone was a middle-of-the-road type of recruit, though out of a powerhouse program (Good Counsel), so he might be a bit of surprise to Hoo fans if he outperforms a guy like Kamara, but I expect it to happen. Hell, let’s take the optimistic approach and assume both he and Kamara roll out with Keeon as the best WR unit we’ve had under Mike London. Or, you know, could be more of the same.


Kendall: Levrone is another big receiver recruited during the London regime. At 6-2, 210 (noticing a theme with those dimensions?), he’ll have an advantage over many defensive backs. Post-Spring, Levrone was listed as Johnson’s backup at split end, and I think that’s a nice fit. Levrone showed what he could do with a very good Spring Game, and if he can translate those flashes on the practice field to production in actual games, then he’ll be an asset to the offense. He’s a reserve in 2014, but a reserve with some real upside.


Miles Gooch: Dessert Wine
These are sweet wines and as the name suggests, they are generally served with dessert. A rule of thumb for choosing a wine is that it must be sweeter than the dessert being eaten.
Kendall: The Goocher has just always been in over his head. He was a quarterback in high school, and never magically developed the movement skills he needed in order to be able to play wide receiver at the college level. Still, he’s a very fan-friendly, try-hard type of guy, and is a stellar blocker at the WR position. I hope his senior season sees him targeted a few times in the red zone, as I’d love to see him leave UVA with a touchdown during his last year. As for the depth chart at wide receiver… Virginia is in trouble if Gooch ends up playing any sort of significant role this season. Johnson, Kamara, Dockins, Severin, and Levrone need to be good enough to keep Gooch glued to the bench.


Pierce: Gooch seems to be one of those guys that’s good at getting open. He regularly looks like a favorite target of the QBs in spring games and such, but it hasn’t translated to much during the seasons he’s been here. There’s no reason to expect him to start much at the position this season, but I’m sure he’ll find some time on the field as we cycle guys in and out -- especially if the offense is a disaster again. I like Gooch, but I do hope the talent around him in the unit performs up to their potential -- which would be bad news for Gooch’s playing time.


On the Wide Receivers as a unit, and general thoughts about the position for 2014...

Kendall: As a unit, I like what we have percolating here. Lots of bigger bodies who can move, it all makes sense for an offense that will go very ball control. With a bad offensive line, quick passes to the primary receiver are required, and these receivers should excel with those. What I don’t see here, however, is a whole lot of downfield explosion. Who other than Darius Jennings can offer the type of threat that can blow the roof off of a defense? This is college football --- big play passing should be part of the formula. But it’s not, not at UVA. I find that to be frustrating as hell. So while I think these wide receivers will be fine - and I’m excited about Keeon Johnson’s potential as a go-to guy - the group reads to me like a unit that will be limited by its own lack of variety.

Pierce: Every unit on offense is drastically affected by the quality of o-line play, obviously. If Greyson has enough time and the running game fills out enough of the game plan, then we should see more production from the receivers than before. That is a huge if, though. I like Johnson. I like Levrone. I bet Jennings has some good games this year. We’ll need a huge jump from the whole unit though to see many Ws.



August 9, 2014

Wahooze Brews -- The 2014 Running Backs



Kendall: Okay, so Kevin Parks was able to find over 1,000 rushing yards running behind what was - at best - a shoddy offensive line in 2013, and with a passing game that never at any time prevented eight (and sometimes nine) in the box. I’m not sure how KP did it, but he did.

Actually, a game-by-game look at how he did it:

BYU -- 68 yards (1 TD)
Oregon -- 60 yards
VMI -- 137 yards (2 TDs)
Pitt -- 40 yards
Ball State -- 104 yards (2 TDs)
Maryland -- 119 yards (1 TD)
Duke -- 56 yards (2 TDs)
Georgia Tech -- 57 yards (1 TD)
Clemson -- 84 yards
UNC -- 100 yards (1 TD)
Miami -- 130 yards (1 TD)
Virginia Tech -- 110 yards

TOTAL -- 1,065 yards (11 TDs) on 227 carries (4.69 ypc)

It was a nice season for KP, especially given the context of just how bad the rest of the offense performed. And he ran REALLY well down the stretch, averaging 106 ypg in the last four games, against four defenses regularly putting players into the NFL. So Kevin Parks is a guy to be excited about in 2014… but the o-line… well, it could impose a mighty low glass ceiling on KP’s production.

Pierce: Hey remember how we spent most of the QB preview saying “well it depends on the o-line, which will probably be shoddy?” Get ready for some similarity!

Kendall: Well, yeah. I happen to think we have some really good running backs! But it won’t matter, not with this offensive line.

Mike: In that vein, all the offensive plays we saw on Wednesday night at the open practice (save one deep bomb that connected from David Watford that caused me to yell an obscenity or 10) were short screen passes and swings to the running backs out of the backfield. Clear sign the staff thinks (knows) the o-line is a mess.

Pierce: Sounds exhilarating. So what’s the logical booze metaphor here, Kendall?



Kendall: After a long hard day, nothing is better than an ice cold beer. The rest of the offense is the long hard day, and the backs are the beer.

Pierce: Beer is plentiful. Beer is accessible. Beer is dependable. The running backs are going to get the job done.

Kendall: In KP, you have the everyday staple, the lucky lager. Chug liberally. KP will grind it out for us, like the warrior bellcow he is. And America will drink deeply of the amber goodness. Parks isn’t the fastest runner, he doesn’t have the most wiggle, he isn’t the biggest or most powerful… but dammit, he gets the job done. He’s our lager. Smooth to drink, easy to enjoy.



Pierce: Does that mean Smoke (Taquan Mizzell) is an IPA? Everyone says they love him but I haven’t seen much evidence that he’s worth the hype, yet.

Mike: I fucking hate IPAs. Not a comment on Smoke, they just suck.

Pierce: I’d put my IPA enjoyment at about 20% of those that I have tried. But we digress…

Mike: That’s actually probably a good comparison for Smoke. Flashes of goodness, but also a ton of East-West dancing with minimal results. He needs to find the right balance of hops, or whatever.

Kendall: I’m certainly bitter about Smoke, so I’m following you guys on this metaphor. 5-star running back, my ass. To me, 5-star running backs look like Alex Collins (Arkansas). Like Dion Lewis in 2009. Like *gasp* Ryan Williams at Tech in 2009. I mean, I guess it can take some time to get going… but I expected more. Much more. So yeah, a bitter-ass IPA, I’m good with that.

Pierce: He was hurt last year, apparently - so a healthy and experienced Mizzell might produce a completely different result (flavor?) this season.

Mike: I’ll be willing to ask, why the hell he was playing then? One thing I would love to see from the new coach is an ability to actually redshirt someone even if they are a star.


Kendall: Smoke finished with 196 yards and one lonely touchdown on 45 carries (4.36 ypc) across 10 games. He was our 4th-most productive rusher, behind KP, Khalek Shepherd, and, ugh, David Watford. Smoke also added 29 catches for 129 yards and a touch. That line was good enough to be our 4th-best receiver, behind Jake McGee, Darius Jennings, and KP. [Chilling fact from the editor: no single player totaled more than 400 yards receiving in 2013. Awful.] I went on record a year ago, predicting somewhere around 1,000 total yards from scrimmage. Errrmmmm… that didn’t happen. Smoke didn’t look fast, at all. And while he had lots of shiftiness, like Mike said, he danced around East-West way too much. Add East-West dancing to a leaky o-line, and you have an ineffective running back with plenty of painful tiffles (TFLs, or tackles for loss).

Mike: To me, for most of the season Smoke looked uncomfortable running the ball. There was no point where I could see him really put his foot in the ground and run up field with any purpose. All this Mickeymouse dancing bullshit to me is a guy without a plan when he gets the ball. If I’m looking for anything this season, it’s Smoke having a plan which to me will demonstrate he is comfortable with the college game. Until that happens, I don’t think we can expect to see anything near the expectations some people have for him.

Kendall: Maybe it was a confidence problem, exacerbated by the injury? Anyway, expectations for Smoke are still high among Hoofans, but I’m personally trying to aim low with the kid until he shows us that he’s got the skill and mentality to produce at this level. (Kind of the same place I am with Greyson Lambert, really.) I'm hopeful for Smoke, but that's all it is -- hope.  By the way, I generally enjoy India Pale Ale.  Just as an FYI, I guess.  Pierce, who’s next?


Pierce: I declare Khalek Shepherd a Trappist Belgian Ale. Not what you want to drink every day - or even once a week - but sometimes it’s the absolute perfect choice. Flashes of brilliance but best used sparingly. Remember that time he scored against Oregon? 45 yd toss TD - which those of you in section 515 might remember I TOTALLY FREAKING CALLED.

Mike: Confirmed. Pierce will be forever known as the Oracle of 515. I love Shepherd as the change of pace back. I think given the opportunity to have a bigger role (which he should finally have this year) he has the potential to be very good.

Pierce: Totally agree. Shepherd has been really solid - and certainly suffers in playing time only because he’s had Parks (understandably) ahead of him his whole time here. It’ll be important to get Mizzell involved, but the same should be said for Shepherd.

Mike: Shepherd has earned that RB2 spot over his career. To me he is the clear guy there. In my opinion you use Smoke in a more Percy Harvin/Darren Sproles type role where you focus on getting him the ball in space. Shepherd is our second best pure running back.


Kendall: I agree with everything said above, but will add: I’ll probably never forgive Shepherd for that punt return doink off the facemask against Wake Forest in 2012. But anyway, it happened, I’m [not completely] over it, and I agree that Khalek is our best option at RB2. He’s fast. They say he has good hands, and we’ve seen glimpses of proof. He’s a home-run hitter out of the backfield, in ways that KP is not. So yeah, Shepherd should and will have a chance to improve upon his 51-315-1 line from a year ago.

Mike: I think we should also mention über walk-on Daniel Hamm who returns this season following his “upper extremity” injury.

Kendall: Hamm was awesome against VMI last season, no doubt. And while being awesome against VMI isn’t really that big of a deal in general, there were so few awesome performances on offense that it’s important to remember and savor the ones we saw. in 2014, Hamm is just depth chart filler, like an interesting back-of-the-fridge wheat beer.




Kendall: One last back I want to mention is LaChaston Smith. We’ve got a workhorse grinder in KP, we’ve got a satellite (only works in space) back in Smoke, we’ve got a speed demon RB2 in Shepherd, and a cute curiosity in Hamm. But Smith… Smith is our only potential bruiser. He’s big, powerful, and yes, still very raw. But I think he’ll play this year, and I think he’ll taste like a nice thick stout. Goal-line carries, anyone? Short yardage hammer? These things are possible for the sophomore from South Iredell.



Pierce: Well there you have it. An assortment of beers make our stable of running backs an attractive option for this team. Will they be utilized effectively? Possibly. Parks could certainly repeat his 1,000 yard performance. A healthy Mizzell could bring the big play threat that this team sorely lacks. But the ever-present disaster in the making that is the o-line could really hold things back. We’ll see, but I think we all know this blog’s feelings on the ability of the coaching staff…


Best of luck this season, KP!  We're all behind you!


August 5, 2014

WahoozeCast - August, 5th

We're back on the airwaves and boy oh boy do we have a great surprise this week: THEME MUSIC. Get hyped. This week, Mike and I discuss our feelings on summer football practices, drunk and public arrests, and the Cubs farm system.

Leave comments. Ask questions.


Wahooze Booze -- The 2014 Quarterbacks




Kendall: Whelp. Greyson Lambert. No need to really mention anyone else, because David Watford is gawd-awful and should be buried behind the bench (like Jimmy Hoffa), and if any of the other backups see the field, it’s already the freaking apocalypse. Either Lambert is good, or we’re going winless. (And yes, I understand that we play a home game against Richmond.)

Pierce: Lambert is the booze that you don’t know what to expect but you’re screwed if it brings bad news more than good. He’s the drink you order that could go either way depending on the bartender. He’s clearly a martini. While the quality of the same drink can vary for nearly any cocktail - none has such an enormous scale in quality as the martini. Make one with shit vodka (redundant) and it could be the worst drink of your life - but some top shelf gin could lead to one of the finest libations known to man.



Kendall: The point being, there is a really wide scale of quality for martinis. Some are shit, some are THE shit, and then there are many, many, many others that fall somewhere in between. I’m a believer in Greyson Lambert’s ability (he’s gin), but I don’t trust the bartenders mixing the drink. IF YOU ARE METAPHOR-SAVVY ENOUGH TO FOLLOW ME ON THAT ONE.

Pierce: Oh I’m picking up what you’re putting down, K. As I’m naturally optimistic, I’m going to hope that Greyson is a decent gin martini with the correct amount of good quality olives. He’s got the tools to start our night of drinking well. I mean, the team, he’s got the tools to lead the team to reasonable success. I’m really getting lost in the metaphor now...

Kendall: Middle shelf. He’s certainly got the tools. Big arm, statuesque in the pocket, surprisingly good wheels, seems to have the mental capacity to learn how to run an offense. Ultimately, it might not matter how good or bad Lambert is. The offensive line figures to be the single worst offensive line I’ve ever seen at UVA. [I began closely following the Virginia Football program in 1989.] I honestly don’t think there’s been a worse preseason projection for the OL that I can remember. Why do I bring that up here? Well, Greyson Lambert is going to look like a bad quarterback if he’s spending most of his time lying on his back. Or worse, sad on the sideline, nursing an injury. It’s entirely possible that he’ll be sacked into oblivion.

Like this.

Pierce: Let’s say (somehow) the o-line is up to snuff. [Editor’s note: it won’t be.] What does Greyson bring to our drink selection? Size. Arm strength. Enough experience. Leadership? Moxie? Decision making? I guess we’ll see. But I do know one thing - last year there were quarterbacks who would slide on third down two yards short from the chains. Greyson was not one of those quarterbacks. I saw him lower his shoulder for the extra yards on many occasions - which makes him easy to support in my book.

Kendall: That’s a really good point. If Lambert can show some onions, it’s an easy upgrade. I don’t like the fact that he wasn’t able to beat out [awful] David Watford last season. But that might just be another in the long list of severe coaching blunders by the clowns in charge of making such decisions. Who knows? Anyway, for my take on the quarterbacks preview for 2014, I’ll go ahead with “cautiously optimistic.” I’m not saddling Lambert with any sort of expectations other than improved play over the [awful] incumbent. I’ll sip that middle shelf martini.

Mike: Oh hey this is happening. I’ve attached this picture to accurately reflect how I feel about Greyson Lambert. I’m the kid in the plaid.


I was going to suggest that QB should be one of your friend’s home brews. Or maybe not your friend, but one of your friends friends who wears a beanie in july like a douchebag and is super pretentious about how good his beer is and how uninformed as a consumer you are, even though it’s made with cauliflower or some nasty shit like that. I think you’re always going to have people who think Lambert is going to be great, even if he sucks. They’ll look at his arm strength and size and think the kid can do no wrong and just make excuses like the line sucks or the receivers drop everything. Those are going to be impossible to make a ruling on because I think our offense will be a disaster this season. All that being said, Lambert’s makeup is certainly boner-worthy. I just remain skeptical that anyone can do well in this offense until a lot of questions are answered.

Pierce: Should we talk about the backups?

Kendall: I’d really rather not. Because if we get into the backups, it’s no longer a martini. It’s eating olives directly out of an alcoholic redneck’s butt.

Pierce: You’re gross.

Kendall: Sorry, I meant to say, “If we get into the backups, it would be… bad.”

Pierce: Brendan "Whitey" Marshall could be really good. We don’t know. We (well, the current staff) don’t have a good track record for choosing the right starting QB.

Mike: That, or they insist on an idiotic rotation. “Mickeymouse bullshit,” as Kendall would say. (Speaking of bullshit, I’m enjoying that Mike Rocco is now involved in another QB rotation with Mike Strauss -- this time at D-1AA Richmond!!)

Kendall: I like the talent and upside of depth chart dynamo Corwin “Turtle” Cutler. He has potential. But he’s not ready to play college football right now. Neither is Marshall. I suppose Matt Johns (who received a fair amount of hype during Spring practices) could potentially be decent in a pinch. And there’s always *shudder* David Watford.

The Human Incompletion

Pierce: Some members of the fan base as already anointed Turtle the savior of the football program, but yeah, he’s a year or two away from having a metaphor given to him.

Mike: Practice report from the first day says that Marshall and Cutler took drill reps only. Thank the Lord. If you want to see the perceived 757 bias blow up the locker room, have Turtle get first team reps. [Editor’s note: 757 bias and a sad locker room is going to be a huge problem this season, I think. Especially once the losing commences on August 30th.]

Kendall: Add it all up, and I really think we’re looking at a fairly simple situation: Either Greyson Lambert is good (maybe) and our o-line doesn’t get him killed (not likely), or our quarterback position - as a whole - is going to be bad. I hate forcing anyone to try to be a football messiah, and Lambert may very well die for Mike London’s sins this season (yikes).

Pierce: Next year, biblical metaphors.

Kendall: Yikes. Okay, wrapping it up. Greyson Lambert is a martini of as-yet unknown quality, the backups are fecal olives, and we’re screwed sideways if Lambert isn’t any good and/or gets hurt. Agreed?

Pierce: We really know very little about most of the backups, but let’s assume Greyson is the star because he has to be. The options are a successful martini or a drink so bad there’s no point in sipping it. I think (hope?) he’ll be solid.

Kendall: Given the state of affairs along our offensive line, it might not matter if Greyson Lambert is Fran Freaking Tarkenton. I just hope we emerge from this season with Lambert being healthy enough to participate in 2015 Spring practice and learn the new offense our next head coach is going to install.