September 18, 2012

GT 56, UVA 20 --- F-Bombs Away!

(Disclaimer: Lots and lots of the f-bomb in this post.  Skip it if you're sensitive.)

Fuck you, Virginia Football.

Here's why I say that:

On Saturday, I was at my grandparents' house (love you Granny!), but alas, no ESPU.  So I followed along on my phone, when the updates pinged along only after scores.

Ping!  7-0 after a 70-yard pass.  Shit.

Ping!  14-0 after a 77-yard run.  SHIT!

Ping!  14-7, 19 yards from Rocco to McGee.  Alright, we're in business.  Let's claw our way back into this bitch.

And that's when all hell broke loose.

Ping!  21-7.

Ping!  28-7.  SHIT!  Gotta stop the bleeding and try to make it close at the end.

Ping!  35-7.  Fuck me.

Ping!  HALFTIME!  Get bent, marching band.  Eat shit and die, you tuba-tooting bastards.  Nobody gives a shit about your pseudo-modern interpretation of Call Me Al.

Ping!  42-7.  Fuck my life.

Ping!  49-7.  Are you fucking shitting me?!

Then Phillip Sims entered the game against a fat and proud cheshire cat Georgia Tech 2nd string.  Predictably and annoyingly, Sims enjoyed great success.

Ping!  49-14.  Sims to E.J. Scott.

Ping!  56-14.  What the fuck?!  The Yellow Jacket scrubs were even busting off the long gainers!  This one was a 41-yard run from something called a Vad Lee.

Big Bad Vad.

Ping!  56-20 as time expired.  A cosmetic score, but that was lipstick on a pig.


So here's why I say fuck you to Virginia Football:  Not because of the loss, because that was mostly expected after the knuckleduster against Penn State.  Not because of the blowout, because, you know, shit happens.  We suck sometimes.  Sometimes we suck often, and sometimes we suck really, really bad.  Sometimes great teams look mediocre, good teams look bad, and mediocre teams look horrendous.  We looked horrendous.  But that's not why I say fuck you to Virginia Football.

I say fuck you to Virginia Football because I recorded the game on my DVR at home and upon my return Sunday afternoon, I felt compelled to hit the right-facing triangle button and play that shit.  In an effort to not sound like a fucking asshole when talking about that botched abortion down in Atlanta, I felt like I had to watch the game.  People look at me as some sort of half-assed authority on Virginia Football, right?  So I had to watch that dumpster fire burn.  All 60 minutes of that gruesome dogshit; all 3,600 seconds of that hot steamy acidic alienblood enema.  Georgia Tech bent us over easier than a Thai Ladyboy in desperate need of some cash.  (Thanks for that one, Paul Kent.)  And I watched all of it.  Knowing the outcome, I watched it all.

So fuck you, Virginia Football.



Of course, my thoughts don't end there.  Here are the topics hot on my mind some three days after the game and some 48 hours after I watched the train wreck in high definition technicolor.

Our O-Line is a Fucking Disaster
The interior draws all of the verbal ire, but I'm sharing some of the anti-love with Morgan Moses and Oday Aboushi.  Great tackles, my fucking ass.  They have dog's breakfast on their hands just like Bowanko, Cascarano, and Davis/Wallace.  Block somebody!  Open up some holes!  Protect the passer!  FUCKING BLOCK SOMEBODY!  *Deep breath*  Look, I know it can take some time for a rebuilt o-line to gel.  Gel soon, guys.  Put that shit on the anti-griddle in the blast freezer.  (Shuffling things around is not the answer right now, except for maybe trying to get Jay Whitmire on the field.)  Just gel.  Fast.

Our O-Line Recruiting MUST Be a Problem
Under London: Ross Burbank (3-star), Tim Cwalina (3-star, now out of football), Kelby Johnson (3-star), Jay Whitmire (3-star), Ryan Doull (2-star), Sean Karl (3-star), and Michael Mooney (3-star).  Where are the 4-stars?  Where are the 5-stars?  Where are the guys stepping in as underclassmen and making an impact?  Granted, these guys are all still young and need to develop physically.  And nobody questions Coach London's recruiting acumen.  But it's time to focus on the offensive line.  Bring in numbers, bring in bodies, and for fuck's sake, bring in some can't-miss talent.  UVA is always at its best when it has studs along the OL.

Mike Rocco is Alex Smith
Good quarterback when he has a nice, clean, tidy pocket, the support of a strong running game, and competent weapons running around.  Bad quarterback when he has to overcome a lack of talent in his supporting cast and make things happen by himself.  Alex Smith looked like a bad NFL quarterback, like he was in over his head.  And then Jim Harbaugh came along and fixed up his supporting cast.  Now Alex Smith looks legit.  Rocco is the same way.  Fix up the supporting cast, and Rock will look fine.



The Phillip Sims Bandwagon is Annoying
Carved up the defeated and deflated Richmond defense.  Spit the bit in two egregious series against Penn State.  Lit up the Georgia Tech 2nd string, who was resting plump and easy on a 42-point lead.  Great stuff.  People, the guy is not ready to play!  He's just not!  We can't afford to dumb down the playbook so he can get on the field!  We are at a fragile point in the rebuilding effort, and we can't flush this season down the toilet so Sims can get his dick wet.  Ask me again in two weeks, however.  If we lose to TCU and Louisiana Tech, I'll be ready for a change.

Perry Jones' New Nickname: Clark Kent
Superman's in there somewhere, but right now he just looks like a dorky smalltown nerd.



Dearth of Defensive Playmakers
Good dudes and strong, tough guys don't make a good defense.  Try-hard types are fine for fillers, but every good D needs some impact stars.  I don't think we have any of those right now. Greer is a tackler, but he's not a game-changing playmaker.  LaRoy Reynolds is great, but where are his big-time impact plays?  Billy Schautz might be that guy, but he's banged up.  Tra Nicholson?  Still young, and his effort level is now called into question.  What else we got?  Fine, decent players, no playmakers.  We need ballhawks and seek & destroy tacklers and edge-bending pass rushers and guys who drop megaton nuclear warheads when they blitz.  We don't have any of that.  Eli Harold, get bigger soon.  Tim Harris, get here quick.  Quin Blanding, we really, really need you man.

Mike London is Still New at this Whole Head Coaching Thing
That Georgia Tech game was London's 57th as a head coach, 28th as a D-1A (sorry, FBS) coach, and 17th ACC game.  He's still new at this.  But this is year three and he has five years to get things on track.  Last year's 8-5 record probably bought him an extra year at the end of that honeymoon.  So I figure he's got another 45-50 games to prove he's "the guy."  For me?  I love the guy and I think he's a very good recruiter, but jury's out on his Xs and Os.  I'd like to see us cook up some schemes that set us apart from other teams.  Everything is very straightforward and vanilla right now.  I want a little Rum Raisin, dammit.

Need more magic, Coach.

In closing, that game in Atlanta was a fucking travesty.  Pierce was right -- we deserve the right to have expectations beyond a drubbing like that.  I see a lot of really bad issues on the team right now.  But we pulled it out of the fire after a similar situation last season (after losing to Southern Miss and again after losing to NC State), and I have faith that this coaching staff and this team will find a way to get back to a bowl game in 2012.  I'll be looking for signs of life in Fort Worth on Saturday.


Go Hoos.  You don't get it bolded or a bigger font or centered.  Go beat TCU.  We're all behind you, dammit.

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