March 20, 2013

Bracketdoccio 2013

That should work fine for the soundtrack to this post, I guess.

Did it last year, it was fun, I got to use lots of bad language, potty humor, and dick jokes, so I guess I'll do it again this year.  But first, the totally regurgitated intro paragraph...

I usually watch a lot of college basketball, but this year I watched A LOT of college basketball.  (Caps and underlined, bitch.)  I watched so much college basketball probably because we were good and I was just more interested in the sport in general...  But anyway, because my ego is big enough to think you might like to read something like this, here are my thoughts on the bracket.  Don't use this to gamble, because I am traditionally very sub-mediocre at making NCAA tournament picks, but these thoughts are based on things I've seen with my own two eyes, not just restating things I've read or heard elsewhere.  So hopefully you find it original.  Onward my cultish devotees!

Midwest Regional

-- Louisville is going to the Final Four.  Everyone is saying it, and they're right.  So don't get cute.  No, the Cardinals won't lose to Michigan State or Duke in the Elite Eight.  No, they won't lose to Saint Louis in the Sweet Sixteen.  Louisville is the best team in the country, is actually playing up to its potential right now, and has one of the best coaches.  So just put 'em through.

-- Let's talk about Saint Louis for a second.  I doubted myself and had to double-check that they are actually from the city of St. Louis, not enjoying some fucked-up college name like Miami (OHIO).  As for the Billikens basketball team, okay, they're pretty good.  Dwayne Evans is a legit big man, the kind of guy who can power a tournament run.  But this team has become super vogue recently, and I hate super vogue.  They'll handle Tex Mexico State University and Lasso Emporium in the first round, but lose to OK State in the second round.

-- Speaking of the Pokes...  Love 'em this year.  Yeah, I know they lost to Virginia Tech early this season, and VT sucks and has a dude that looks like a black version of Theon Greyjoy, but Marcus Smart is the best bet to go Kemba on this year's tournament field.  Too bad they are in the Lullvil bracket, else I'd be tempted to push the Pokes to E8 / F4 status and totally get busted trying to suck my own dick.  But Sweet Sixteen and nudging the Cards to the brink of extinction would still represent a good showing for the Cowboys.

Imagine this, but blacker. (You fuckin traitor, Theon.)

-- Middle Tennessee can suck my ass crack.  Same to Boise State.  Same to La Salle.  Same to Saint Mary's, who won their play-in game (lick my balls, powers that be -- we'll never ever ever call it the "First Four") and gets to play an un-tested Memfuss team in the first round.  I don't know what will happen there, but I know I'll be pulling for Memphis to completely fucking OBLITERATE the Marys.

-- While you're knuckle-dusting over Tom Izzo's dominance of the NCAAT, don't be surprised to see Valpo spring the first round upset.  Ryan Broekhoff looks - and plays! - like a low-rent Russian poverty version of Dirk Nowitzki.  He could go Bryce Drew on the Michigan State crew.    Or not.  You know, whatever.

-- Creighton, one of the new wave glam mid-majors.  I only wish you pain and agony, Blue Jays.  (And to pay you the ultimate insult, I won't mention Doug McDermott in a piece about the NCAA Tournament.  Whazzat?  I just mentioned him?  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.)  Go Cincy.

-- Duke lost to Lehigh in the first round last year, right?  I'm sure those shitsippers (Dook, not Lehigh) have been working extra hard on the floor slapping, hellbent that it won't happen again.  I actually have Dook advancing to the Elite Eight.  But I won't like it.  Not one bit.  But they'll still lose before they expect to, and I can't wait to watch Mason Plumlee cry crocodile tears down his freakish giraffe neck.

West Regional

-- There you are, Gonzaga.  Nobody likes you, West Coast Duke.  Nobody has faith in you.  You're soft.  Some of us have you losing to Pitt - PITT! - in the second round.  Some see you slipping against K-State or Wisky in the Sweet Sixteen.  Me?  I'm one of the Wisconsin people.  And I'll enjoy every second of watching you lose to a power conference team that played an actual real-life power conference schedule, as opposed to the competitive pattycake you played against Saint Mary's.

-- Marshall Henderson is a fun guy to watch, and Wisconsin is his perfect foil.  That first round meltdown could be epic.  Like a basketball version of Chernobyl, with soundtrack by Eminem.

-- As for Wisky, I have them in the Elite Eight.  Ole Miss, K-State, Gonzaga, it just all plays perfectly into their hands.  Ryan Evans will see his star rise in a major way through the first three rounds of this tournament.

-- I don't know what to make of K-State, I really don't.  I still think Jacob Pullen and Denis Clemente play for them, until I check their roster and see they don't.  So yeah, I don't know what to make of Kansas State.  I do know that I want to see them piece together a relentless, merciless curb-stomp against the Boise/La Salle winner.  Like a 40+ point blowout.

-- Belmont over Arizona, I'm on the bandwagon.

-- You won't believe this, but being a person who just realized he has access to the CBS Sports station on his cable dial, I watched every single game of the Mountain West conference tournament.  That's how I know Boise State is garbage.  That's also how I know New Mexico is legit, Kendall Williams is going to be a household name by this time two weeks from now, Tony Snell is going to single-handedly destroy the game of organized basketball, Alex Kirk is the best big man you've never heard of, Cam Bairstow is the swinging dick, and the Lobos are going to the Final Four.  Book it.

-- I also kind of like Ohio State in this regional.  Too bad it's a Buckeye/Lobo Sweet Sixteen duel, because Ohio State (fueled by Deshaun Thomas' scoring and Aaron Craft's defense) would be a Final Four contender in any other region.  But that's how much I like New Mexico - I have them beating an awesome Ohio State team in the S16.

-- I guess I should mention Iowa State's three-point shooting.  Everyone else is mentioning it.  Bombs Away can be fun in the NCAAT, but those chuck & duck teams rarely ever make it past the first or second round... unless they are 2011 VCU.  I'll pick ISU to beat Notre Dame, but that's about it.  Meanwhile, can someone explain to me the national cockspasm over Fred Hoiberg's coaching?  I don't really get it.  I liked him better when he was Harvey Dent.

Either way, dude's a putz.

South Regional

-- VCU goes back to the Final Four!  Not really, but an Elite Eight run seems to be in the offing.  They got a complete cakewalk to the Sweet Sixteen.  Without Alex Abreu, Akron is about as punchless as a 12-seed has ever been.  Michigan is super soft right now, and might actually lose to Nasty Nate Wolters in the first round anyway.  I hate VCU, so I'm giving them the kiss of death of picking them to do well in this tournament.  Suck it, Rams.

-- (Does anyone think it's funny when I say "Smaka Shart" instead of Shaka Smart?  Like, did you notice I switched around the first two letter of each word to make the second word spell "shart?"  Funny, right?  You guys know what a shart is, right?  You guys like me, right?  You like me?)

-- Kansas is like a classic Renaissance Tragedy.  You know it ends in doom for the hero, but you watch anyway.  Where will this season's Jayhawk death spiral swirl them to?  WKU in the first round would be torturous enough, being the first 1-seed to ever lose to a 16.  UNC rolling them in the second round would be good, with Roy Williams doing the job, hopefully wearing his cocksuckery plaid jacket.  VCU in the Sweet Sixteen feels about right, since it was 1-seed Kansas the Rams beat to go to that 2011 Final Four.  Poor Kansas.

-- I'm getting kind of bored with this bracket.  Minnesota beats UCLA and Oklahoma beats a very pedestrian San Diego State, but neither of those upsets feel very exciting.  Florida and Georgetown cruise to a S16 matchup, where I like the Gators to chomp Otto Porter while four other dudes stand around and watch it happen.  Florida's my Final Four pick from the South, by the way.

-- Does anyone else imagine the word "acorn" when you see Akron?

-- I feel like acorns are kind of a world of un-tapped comedic potential.  I mean, look at the damn thing.  And the whole thing with squirrels... it's kind of hilarious.

-- I'm dying here, aren't I?

East Regional

-- Assuming NC State can get past Temple, I like the matchup problems they pose for Indiana.  Richard Howell can body Cody Zeller.  Lo Brown can blanket Victor Oladipo.  Scott Wood from deep can out-gun Jordan Hulls.  C.J. Leslie out x-factors Christian Watford.  It all sounds so good... until you add in the Gottfried effect.  As in, just subtract 12 points from State's total.  As in, Gottfried can't coach.  Unmitigated street ball could give IU a test, but it's one the Hoosiers will pass.  And once they survive that battle, it's smooth sailing to the Final Four.

-- California gets to play home games in the first two rounds, boo hoo.  Doesn't matter, UNLV rolls them in the first round.

-- Never trust anything I say about UNLV.  I'm a bit of a secret UNLV homer.

-- I don't know why, but I kinda like the Cuse this season.  Good enough for a Sweet Sixteen run, at least.

-- "Bucknell will out-Butler Butler."  Herp.  A.  Derp.  But fuck it...  I like it, so I'll repeat it.

-- Marquette to the Elite Eight, just for showing up.

-- Are YOU buying Miami?  Really?  That's cool, and maybe a little bit sad for you.

Never forget:

It could happen again.

Don't miss this opportunity to pick Pacific and amaze all of your friends and co-workers.  Lorenzo McCloud, remember the name.  4:00 PM on Friday, it goes down in infamy.

Wow, sorry I kind of petered out on this shit today.  Too much staying up late watching the Mountain West tournament last week, and it's catching up to me.  I will continue to defile myself with roughly 24 hours of uninterrupted basketball watching over the next two days.  I have caffeine pills, do you?


  1. Why take a day off from work when you can just watch from the office? I kid, I kid. You don't get to watch the games naked from work.

  2. Great post, Kendall. I hope my random shots in the dark work out better than your well researched bracket. Ah the beauty of March...

    As I was reading your take on Smaka Shart someone in my office just dropped a major stink bomb. I think it was the old lady that sits behind me. Funny how that worked out. I had to step out for some fresh air. Now everyone probably thinks it was me.

  3. Kendall:

    1) Hello.

    2) Yes, I like you. I do. Very much, in fact. I also noticed that as of 22:01 you are last in the league. This brings me pleasure ONLY BECAUSE I am a consumate consumer of irony. Otherwise I am saddened.

    3) SHIT CRAP CRAP. The UNLV game just ended. Now I'm twice saddened.

  4. "Don't use this to gamble, because I am traditionally very sub-mediocre at making NCAA tournament picks..."

    I tried to give a good disclaimer!

    I really, really do suck at this!