A Treatise Against Maryland

I wrote this a couple years ago, so apologies to those who've seen it before - but it's new to Wahooze (and there are updates!).

I hate Maryland. The whole state. I hate the school. I hate the people. I hate the fact that they think they have claim to the Potomac. I hate how they somehow pull off being more trashy than Jersey. I hate that they think we're their rivals.

Worse than the Hokies? The evidence suggests: Yes

Please. Tech is our RIVAL. We care about Tech (though, admittedly not as much as they care about us). The thing is, Hokies are still Virginians. I have friends who are Hokies. I enjoy how they hate Duke, Miami, etc...Don't get me wrong, I want to beat VT in every possible way imaginable, but that's because they are our rival. As in someone that we compete with. There's no competetion between Virginia and Maryland. You can't take scum and compare it to something of worth and value.

I hate everyone associated with Maryland. I hate Gary Williams. I hate Juan Dixon. Daryl Strawberry was the first baseball player I ever idolized. Then his son went to UMD. I'm not specifically saying that letting your son play for the terps is worse than his list of drug-related arrests. (Actually, it is). But I never looked at him the same way afterwards.

If Nik Caner-Medley (WAY TO LEAVE OFF THE C, DICKHEAD) and I were standing next to a cliff and he said "Pierce, I've just discovered the secret to immortality, it's right here in my bag!" I'd still push him off. And I wouldn't take the bag first. Because fuck that guy. NO ONE CAN HANDLE THAT KIND OF POWER - DIDN'T YOU READ TUCK EVERLASTING???I wonder how his upcoming season with Power Electronics Valencia will go.

Me Mucho Gusto Los Estudiantes!

If I have a kid that wants a pet turtle, I'd buy him a turtle eating snake instead, so we could watch devour the helpless worthless creatures on a daily basis.

If aliens came to Earth and challenged the terps to a football game, with the consequence being Earth would be incinerated and all life destroyed if the aliens win, I'd still root against the terps.

If Olivia Wilde tracked me down and proposed, but then mentioned that she enjoys Maryland field hockey, I'd call the wedding off.

If the state of Maryland caught on fire, I'd be first in line in Northern Virginia, watching the smoke from across the river. We could grill turtles!

DELICIOUS

I would've fought for the Confederacy, solely for the chance to fight marylanders. (never really been big on states' rights)

If a wave of toxic nuclear energy flooded every part of the country but Maryland, and we all had plenty of adequete escape time and transportation. I would stay behind. Hopefull I could mutate into some sort of monsterous creature and finally find something able to devour Ralph Friedgen.

If suddenly all the PBR and Jameson in the world disappeared, except Maryland's supply, I'd simply stop drinking.

Maryland fans are the lowest of the low, they are the trash of the ACC. They are the most hideous, loathsome, detestable detritus I have ever encountered. How is there so much more redneck garbage north of us?

After last season's 9-4 finish, the geniuses in the UMD athletic administration decided to can their porcine coach. They then swung for the fences and ended up hiring Randy Edsall, who readers may remember as the bad guy in such films as Die Hard 2: Die Harder and The Rock. As the Terps currently sit at 2-6 coming off a home loss to doormat Boston College, Maryland has easily achieved their goal of Big East level football.

Coach of the Year

Saturday is the Maryland game. If the Hoos win, we can all start making bowl trip plans. If they lose, we'll still have our National Championship over them:

If beating MD for a Natl Champ doesn't make you love lax, I don't know what will.