The Hate List

In light of the heinous football costumes (I refuse to dignify those things with the term uniform, it embarrasses uniforms) the University of Maryland sported Monday night I feel compelled to update the top 3 things I hate in college football. Let’s take a look.

Number 3: Maryland’s State Pride Uniform

Just...why?

                This seriously looks like the Maryland state flag got drunk in College Park the night before and threw up all over the football team. I understand Under Armour founder and Maryland football Alum Kevin Plank wanted to make a statement with these uniforms, but the statement probably shouldn’t be, “I think our team sucks so hopefully we can use these ridiculous uniforms to distract the other team and maybe win some games.” These things blew up twitter last night. They are the Pippa Middleton of college football uniforms. And more importantly they take away from the actual team. Danny O’Brien might be the best QB in the ACC. He threw for 348 yards and a touchdown Monday night and led the Terps on a game winning drive at the end of the game. And yet all anyone can talk about is the uniforms today. To be fair Maryland is and probably will always be a basketball school and any attention is good attention for the football team, but with the team they have now and the new coach and philosophy they have installed they have the opportunity to gain notoriety without these ridiculous getups. And isn’t that better than getting attention for looking like clowns?

Number 2: The Wave

SIT DOWN YOU ARE BLOCKING MY VIEW

                This is the dumbest thing ever. Whenever this gets started I want to find the person responsible and stab them in the legs and cut off their arms as punishment. Last time I checked I came to sporting events to watch sports, not do aerobics. If I wanted to work out ever I obviously wouldn’t be the fat slothful person I have become. All I want to do is sit down and watch people that are infinitely more athletic than I can ever dream of becoming kill each other while I wolf down a twenty dollar hot dog. This is especially annoying at UVA home games when the fans decide that starting the wave during a crucial drive for our offense is a good idea. It is not. The wave is distracting and makes a lot of noise, I can tolerate it if it’s while we are on defense but not on offense. Use your brains.

Number 1: Tech’s Kicker Numbers

I thought Tech schools taught math and patterns?

                WHY ARE YOU NUMBER 97?! That’s the number of a mammoth defensive lineman. Not a kicker. Number 98 is probably a 6-4 300 pound man-eater. You are a kid no one believes is on a football team. Kickers should probably just wear the letter K on their jerseys. God help you Tech fans if you try to rationalize this with some garbage about beamer ball and the importance of kickers. That’s a good way for me to punch you right in the face. Good work Robert Randolph. Yet another reason we are a much better program than Cornfield Community College (well done with the Kendall).