August 5, 2014

Wahooze Booze -- The 2014 Quarterbacks

Kendall: Whelp. Greyson Lambert. No need to really mention anyone else, because David Watford is gawd-awful and should be buried behind the bench (like Jimmy Hoffa), and if any of the other backups see the field, it’s already the freaking apocalypse. Either Lambert is good, or we’re going winless. (And yes, I understand that we play a home game against Richmond.)

Pierce: Lambert is the booze that you don’t know what to expect but you’re screwed if it brings bad news more than good. He’s the drink you order that could go either way depending on the bartender. He’s clearly a martini. While the quality of the same drink can vary for nearly any cocktail - none has such an enormous scale in quality as the martini. Make one with shit vodka (redundant) and it could be the worst drink of your life - but some top shelf gin could lead to one of the finest libations known to man.

Kendall: The point being, there is a really wide scale of quality for martinis. Some are shit, some are THE shit, and then there are many, many, many others that fall somewhere in between. I’m a believer in Greyson Lambert’s ability (he’s gin), but I don’t trust the bartenders mixing the drink. IF YOU ARE METAPHOR-SAVVY ENOUGH TO FOLLOW ME ON THAT ONE.

Pierce: Oh I’m picking up what you’re putting down, K. As I’m naturally optimistic, I’m going to hope that Greyson is a decent gin martini with the correct amount of good quality olives. He’s got the tools to start our night of drinking well. I mean, the team, he’s got the tools to lead the team to reasonable success. I’m really getting lost in the metaphor now...

Kendall: Middle shelf. He’s certainly got the tools. Big arm, statuesque in the pocket, surprisingly good wheels, seems to have the mental capacity to learn how to run an offense. Ultimately, it might not matter how good or bad Lambert is. The offensive line figures to be the single worst offensive line I’ve ever seen at UVA. [I began closely following the Virginia Football program in 1989.] I honestly don’t think there’s been a worse preseason projection for the OL that I can remember. Why do I bring that up here? Well, Greyson Lambert is going to look like a bad quarterback if he’s spending most of his time lying on his back. Or worse, sad on the sideline, nursing an injury. It’s entirely possible that he’ll be sacked into oblivion.

Like this.

Pierce: Let’s say (somehow) the o-line is up to snuff. [Editor’s note: it won’t be.] What does Greyson bring to our drink selection? Size. Arm strength. Enough experience. Leadership? Moxie? Decision making? I guess we’ll see. But I do know one thing - last year there were quarterbacks who would slide on third down two yards short from the chains. Greyson was not one of those quarterbacks. I saw him lower his shoulder for the extra yards on many occasions - which makes him easy to support in my book.

Kendall: That’s a really good point. If Lambert can show some onions, it’s an easy upgrade. I don’t like the fact that he wasn’t able to beat out [awful] David Watford last season. But that might just be another in the long list of severe coaching blunders by the clowns in charge of making such decisions. Who knows? Anyway, for my take on the quarterbacks preview for 2014, I’ll go ahead with “cautiously optimistic.” I’m not saddling Lambert with any sort of expectations other than improved play over the [awful] incumbent. I’ll sip that middle shelf martini.

Mike: Oh hey this is happening. I’ve attached this picture to accurately reflect how I feel about Greyson Lambert. I’m the kid in the plaid.

I was going to suggest that QB should be one of your friend’s home brews. Or maybe not your friend, but one of your friends friends who wears a beanie in july like a douchebag and is super pretentious about how good his beer is and how uninformed as a consumer you are, even though it’s made with cauliflower or some nasty shit like that. I think you’re always going to have people who think Lambert is going to be great, even if he sucks. They’ll look at his arm strength and size and think the kid can do no wrong and just make excuses like the line sucks or the receivers drop everything. Those are going to be impossible to make a ruling on because I think our offense will be a disaster this season. All that being said, Lambert’s makeup is certainly boner-worthy. I just remain skeptical that anyone can do well in this offense until a lot of questions are answered.

Pierce: Should we talk about the backups?

Kendall: I’d really rather not. Because if we get into the backups, it’s no longer a martini. It’s eating olives directly out of an alcoholic redneck’s butt.

Pierce: You’re gross.

Kendall: Sorry, I meant to say, “If we get into the backups, it would be… bad.”

Pierce: Brendan "Whitey" Marshall could be really good. We don’t know. We (well, the current staff) don’t have a good track record for choosing the right starting QB.

Mike: That, or they insist on an idiotic rotation. “Mickeymouse bullshit,” as Kendall would say. (Speaking of bullshit, I’m enjoying that Mike Rocco is now involved in another QB rotation with Mike Strauss -- this time at D-1AA Richmond!!)

Kendall: I like the talent and upside of depth chart dynamo Corwin “Turtle” Cutler. He has potential. But he’s not ready to play college football right now. Neither is Marshall. I suppose Matt Johns (who received a fair amount of hype during Spring practices) could potentially be decent in a pinch. And there’s always *shudder* David Watford.

The Human Incompletion

Pierce: Some members of the fan base as already anointed Turtle the savior of the football program, but yeah, he’s a year or two away from having a metaphor given to him.

Mike: Practice report from the first day says that Marshall and Cutler took drill reps only. Thank the Lord. If you want to see the perceived 757 bias blow up the locker room, have Turtle get first team reps. [Editor’s note: 757 bias and a sad locker room is going to be a huge problem this season, I think. Especially once the losing commences on August 30th.]

Kendall: Add it all up, and I really think we’re looking at a fairly simple situation: Either Greyson Lambert is good (maybe) and our o-line doesn’t get him killed (not likely), or our quarterback position - as a whole - is going to be bad. I hate forcing anyone to try to be a football messiah, and Lambert may very well die for Mike London’s sins this season (yikes).

Pierce: Next year, biblical metaphors.

Kendall: Yikes. Okay, wrapping it up. Greyson Lambert is a martini of as-yet unknown quality, the backups are fecal olives, and we’re screwed sideways if Lambert isn’t any good and/or gets hurt. Agreed?

Pierce: We really know very little about most of the backups, but let’s assume Greyson is the star because he has to be. The options are a successful martini or a drink so bad there’s no point in sipping it. I think (hope?) he’ll be solid.

Kendall: Given the state of affairs along our offensive line, it might not matter if Greyson Lambert is Fran Freaking Tarkenton. I just hope we emerge from this season with Lambert being healthy enough to participate in 2015 Spring practice and learn the new offense our next head coach is going to install.


  1. day 1 and we've already broken the schedule - love it.

  2. Mike London's false sense of positivity and this year's results are going to be like Kim Jong Un proclaiming a mildly successful war against the world by lighting a bottle rocket with a pack of wet matches.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.