September 5, 2013

Kendall's NFL Picks

I want to put pen to paper and get this posted before the season kicks off tonight.  It's self-explanatory, so I'll not waste time, energy, or bandwidth on a lengthy intro.  Diving in...

*(Playoff teams marked with an asterisk.)

NFC East
*1 - Giants (9-7) -- Any of the four teams in this division could win it, but my money is on the only sure thing at quarterback, and that's Eli.  Quarterback + weapons = wins.
3 - Cowboys (9-7) -- Gut feeling that they'll be better this season, but still not quite good enough.  (Romo is on the move for 2014 as Jerruh blows up the Boys, and some QB-needy team will land a guy who is actually pretty damn good.  I'll admit it, I'm a Tony Romo fan.)
2 - Redskins (8-8) -- Last year was a little bit fluky, and I'm expecting some regression in year two of the RG3 era.  But I'll admit, this team could finish anywhere from 4-12 to 12-4.
4 - Eagles (6-10) -- Can't wait to see Chip Kelly's offense in the NFL, but there'll be fits and starts in the first season (once Ron Mexico finally goes down for the count.)

NFC North
*1 - Bears (11-5) -- It happens every year, a team rises up and shocks the world.  The Bears won 10 games last season, so this isn't a ninja-in-the-dark-of-midnight type of pick, but who else is thinking Chicago is a Super Bowl contender?  Well, I am!  Buying hard on Jay Cutler proving he's a great quarterback.
2 - Packers (10-6) -- I think defensive woes and roster erosion at wide receiver ultimately unravels the Packers this season.
3 - Lions (8-8) -- I like the Lions this season, but I don't love them.  Reggie Bush will be broken by week 6, and Matt Stafford will be broken by week 10 -- too many dropbacks, not enough protection.
4 - Vikings (6-10) -- The Purple Jesus can't overcome all of Christian Ponder's shortcomings again this season, can he?

NFC South
*1 - Saints (12-4) -- Loving me some Saints this season.  I fully expect to see some scores being run up, as Sean Payton flexes nuts in his return to the sideline.
*2 - Falcons (10-6) -- That defense is going to hold them back, mark my words.
3 - Panthers (8-8) -- Improvement, but still only baby steps forward.  Cam improves as a passer as his supporting cast deteriorates around him.  Rivera gets shitcanned at the end of the season, and Steve Smith finally loses a step.
4 - Buccaneers (4-12) -- No good reason, but I'm feeling a bit of doomsday for this team right now.  No faith in Schiano.

NFC West
*1 - Seahawks (11-5) -- I'm on the bandwagon, riding shotgun.  It's the defense, it's Russell Wilson, and it's the nastiness they play with.
*2 - Rams (10-6) -- Boom, shocked you.  The D was already good, and now the O is catching up.  Big season for Bradford, big jump for the Rams.
3 - 49ers (9-7) -- I was on Kaepernick before anyone else was on Kaepernick.  But now I'm going to stay ahead of the crowd by being the first one OFF of Kaepernick.  Not enough weapons here, especially if Frank Gore finally goes kerplunk.
4 - Cardinals (3-13) -- They've got a good defense, but Carson Palmer is like franchise rot incarnate.  I'd rather have John Skelton as my starting QB.  Plus, Carson Palmer + shaky o-line = unmitigated disaster.  Go ahead and get warmed up now, Drew Stanton.  You too, Lindley.

AFC East
*1 - Patriots (12-4) -- The weapons are new, and the weapons look good.  The D is solid.  Legit Super Bowl aspirations yet again in Foxboro.
2 - Bills (7-9) -- I'm liking E.J. Manuel, but sticking by my grim reaper prognostications for C.J. Spiller.  Without Spiller, who scares defenses?
3 - Dolphins (7-9) -- Mike Wallace was a bold move, but it wasn't enough.
4 - Jets (2-14) -- Worst team in the NFL.

AFC North
*1 - Bengals (11-5) -- I'm nothing if not a homer.  But on paper and assuming good health, this is the best Bungles team since 1990.  If Cincy fails to win the division and at least one playoff game, I'll be sorely disappointed.
*2 - Ravens (10-6) -- The D will actually be better, but I'm a believer in the Super Bowl hangover.  The Ratbirds have a throbbing headache, but at least they're not bent over the toilet like the Niners.
3 - Steelers (8-8) -- Who cares?
4 - Browns (7-9) -- They'll be better, and 2013 Jordan Cameron = 2011 Jimmy Graham.  But still, there's a long way to go before the Browns matter.

AFC South
*1 - Texans (11-5) -- They're no longer exciting, but they're still really good.  Nuke Hopkins will be the shot in the arm they need on offense.
2 - Colts (9-7) -- Regression is expected, especially as they go into the hyperconservative shell of Pep Hamilton's offense.  #FreeAndrewLuck!
3 - Titans (6-10) -- No change from last season, but the losses will be prettier.
4 - Jaguars (3-13) -- The Jags look around, and thank the Jets and Raiders for making the floor so damn low in the AFC.

AFC West
*1 - Broncos (13-3) -- I'm buying it, all of it.  I'm buying it all.  I'm eating it up.  I'm drinking the kool-aid on Peyton Manning, on Wes Welker, on Montee Ball (not really), on everything.
*2 - Chiefs (9-7) -- I weirdly believe in Andy Reid and Alex Smith.  No idea why.
3 - Chargers (6-10) -- Turns out, they actually suck and need to blow it all up and start over.  Philip Rivers joins Tony Romo and Josh Freeman on the great quarterback carousel of 2014.
4 - Raiders (2-14) -- Sunday, December 8th: Raiders @ Jets.  Circle it on your calendar.

Wildcard Round
Seahawks over Rams
Falcons over Giants
Texans over Chiefs
Bengals over Ravens

Divisional Round
Bears over Seahawks
Saints over Falcons
Broncos over Bengals
Patriots over Texans

Conference Championships
Bears over Saints
Broncos over Patriots

Super Bowl XLVIII
Broncos over Bears

Coaches Shitcanned After the 2013 Season
Ron Rivera
Jason Garrett (Jerruh decides to scorch the earth)
Joe Philbin (Fins getting impatient)
Leslie Frazier
Rex Ryan (mercy kill)
Dennis Allen
Greg Schiano (won't survive the implosion)
Mike Munchak

That's it.  Care to add your own $0.02 to the pot?  Post in the comments, fool.


  1. NFC: Bucs up, Panthers down. Packers up Bears down. Otherwise, I cronily agree.

    AFC: Chargers down and Steelers WAY down. Would love to see it, too.

  2. RG3sus will rain down touchdowns like manna from heaven en route to the Redskins 12-4 record. Hate his attention grabbing crap off the field, but he is so damn good on it.