The Hierarchy of Hatred

Ah, Ron Mexico.  Put a shirt on, asshole.

If you know me at all, you know that I have hate in my heart.  It was probably born (planted in my gut like a white-hot ember) on November 29th, 1996, when I was punched in the face by that asshole Hokie fan.  If you know me, you've already heard that story.

Anyway, I've learned to live with that hatred; to embrace it.  I've gotten so comfortable with it, I have even learned to hide it completely from view, like when I'm hanging out with my dear friend Doug (a hardcore Hokie fan).  But it's still there, eating away at me like a sadistic tapeworm.

With this post, I just wanted to flash a little bit of the dark side of my soul.  Let it out of its cage to prowl the night.  Maybe take in a meal.

With no further intro, here are (ranked and in order) my 25 most-hated sports teams as of Thursday, June 16th, 2011...

[Fine Print Disclaimer: This program is intended for mature audiences.]

#25 VCU Basketball -- I don't really hate the Rams, I just hate their "fans."  You know, those people who couldn't be bothered to go see a game in the fractions-full Siegel Center, who now claim themselves to be die-hards after that Final Four run (against the most watered-down field in recent college basketball history)?  In my adventures, I've met no fewer than three lifelong (read: three months old, born in March) VCU fans.  They were annoying with their almost-but-not-quite claims to VCU fandom rights.  Thus, I hate VCU hoops.  Sorry Shaka.  I'm sure they'll cycle off of this list once the program returns to gleeful irrelevancy.

#24 Washington Capitals Hockey -- I actually consider myself a Caps fan.  But they lose like little bitches in the playoffs.  It's embarrassing, so I hate them.  Best team in hockey, shrinking violets on the grand stage, when the going actually gets tough.  Plus, I think Bruce Boudreau is a soft-willed, shitty coach.  Why hasn't he been shitcanned yet???  Swept by the freaking Tampa Bay Lightning?  Really?  Get a decent coach, toughen up, find some goaltending, play some D, and win games in the playoffs.  Sheesh.  You guys are about to make me jump ship to Winnipeg.

#23 Philadelphia Phillies Baseball -- Just because I hate Philly in general, and Philadelphia sports specifically.  Loading up on those starting pitchers annoyed me highly.  Their saving grace is Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

#22 Miami Heat Basketball -- Everyone is piling on right now, and I like feeling like part of the in crowd.  I'm honestly not even really a LeBron hater, but...  Schadenfreude, motherfuckers!

#21 Johns Hopkins Lacrosse -- Until they grow the balls to play any other sport, they are hated.

#20 Duke Football -- Fun fact!  Duke has beaten us in each of the last three seasons.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

#19 Virginia Tech Bass Fishing -- The only "sport" in which the Hokies have won a national championship.  Seriously.  Too bad it's not recognized by the NCAA.

#18 Maryland Basketball -- The only thing I vaguely liked was the volcanic sideline antics of Gary Williams.  And now he's gone.  Their fans are scum, their teams are annoying, and they've ruined too many of my brackets to count.

#17 UNC Baseball -- Ha ha, you guys still think you're the vogue baseball program in the ACC.  Too cute.

#16 Boston College Football -- Seriously, get the hell out of the ACC.

#15 West Virginia Football -- Hilarious current trainwreck soap opera notwithstanding (or maybe included), WVU is the shithole of college football.  Their inbred hillbilly fanbase is one of the worst groups of human beings you'll find in the world.  We should just nuke the stadium on gameday and smite them from the face of the planet.

#14 Miami Basketball -- I won't soon forget that loss in the ACC Tournament.  Sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and go to work on hating your tormentor.

#13 New York Jets Football -- This spot in the ranking has EVERYTHING to do with Rex Ryan.  Can't stand him.  Wish him colossal failure and/or coronary explosion.

*** INTERMISSION ***

A few teams you might be surprised that I do not currently and actively hate:

• UNC Basketball -- I've actually never hated the Heels.  Dislike the way they eat our lunch at recruiting?  Yes.  But never hate.  To me, they were always the favorable alternative to Duke.
• Dallas Cowboys Football -- Maybe back in the '90s, when Aikman and Emmitt Smith were winning Super Bowls.  But not now.  Now they are just a comedy of errors, fueled by Jerruh Jones' over-the-top American Capitalistic Excesses (for some reason, I just felt that deserved caps.)  For example, that giant stadium doesn't piss me off, I just think it's funny.  Remove the salary cap from the NFL, and I'd change my tune right quick.  But for now... nope, don't hate the Cowboys.
• Baltimore Ravens Football -- The favorable alternative to the Steelers.
• Cleveland Browns Football -- I hate them, but more than that, I just pity them.  I mean, it's Cleveland.  I'm pretty sure shit rains out of the sky in Cleveland.  Like literally, poop falls from the clouds.
• New York Knicks Basketball -- I actually think the NBA is suffering greatly from the Knicks not being good.  Pro basketball is more fun with this team being a factor.
• Boston Red Sox Baseball -- Look, I know Boston fans are insufferable.  But my grandfather is a huge Sox fan, and... you've seen this above... the Sox are the favorable alternative to the Yankees.
• Oakland Raiders Football -- Al Davis cracks me up.

I'm sure there are some others I'm forgetting.  If there's a team I didn't name that you think I should hate, post it in the comments.  Thanks.

 

*** END INTERMISSION ***

#12 Ohio State Football -- I know some Buckeye fans.  Up until recently, they have been holier than thou about their [laughable] "high academics" and football dominance.  I'm not a Tressel hater, just eager to call these OSU fans out on their our shit don't stink schtick of the last ten years. Turns out, yes, your shit does in fact stink.

#11 New York Yankees Baseball -- It's clichéd to hate the Yankees, but there are solid reasons for it.  The fact that George Steinbrenner is dead (is he dead?) makes me just hate 'em more.  I like crazy, ancient, mega-rich owners.

#10 Duke Lacrosse -- Strippers, prostitution, sexual assault, hate crime.  You know the story.  I hate Duke Lacrosse because it gave the sport a bad name, and because they own the Hoos at the moment.

#9 LA Lakers Basketball -- They'd be ranked higher on this list if I cared more about the NBA.

#8 Georgia Tech Football -- Hello, Al Groh!

#7 Philadelphia Eagles Football -- Michael Vick can eat shit and die.

#6 Maryland Football -- Less hated now that Friedgen (I refuse to call him "Fridge," gives Regrigerator Perry a bad name) died/retired/got fired/whatever the hell happened to him, but still hated.  I got hit by ice cubes and a AAA battery during a game up there.  No lie.  Triple As.  At least have the gonads to throw Cs or Ds, fuckers.

#5 North Carolina Football -- Rotten to the core.  Hiring Butch Davis is like inviting the devil in for tea and crumpets.  One of their scumbag fans actually said to me: "at least our athletes don't kill each other" on the way out of Scott Stadium last year.  I probably asked for it by yelling crazy stuff about how they cheat and how their coaches are scum, but c'mon.

#4 Duke Basketball -- You already know why anyone hates Duke, right?  I don't need to elaborate on that.  A picture, as they say, is worth a thousand words.

A crying effeminate dude who looks like a 10-year old boy. 

Duke basketball in a nutshell.  All that's missing is the flop.

#3 Virginia Tech Basketball -- Seth Goonberg has single-handedly made me hate Selection Sunday.  Can we as a society sober up and stop miking that whiny douche when his mediocre basketball team with zero quality wins is not included in the NCAA Tournament?

#2 Pittsburgh Steelers Football -- The Virginia Tech of the NFL.  Thugs and cheap-shot artists who win regularly, to my utmost discomfort and misery.  I hate the Steelers so much that I now hate James Farrior.  Heath Miller is getting close.  I know, blasphemy.  But still, there it is.  Another thousand-word picture:

It's a fucking CHEAP SHOT.

#1 Virginia Tech Football -- Ha ha, telegraphed this one, didn't I?



Whew, that was therapeutic.