Orange Slices and Participation Awards

WARNING: Your head is about to explode.

If you are a UVA fan who cares about football, I love you and I'd like to officially beg you to NOT read this article.

Virginia Athletic Director Explains Why He Kept Mike London

NOOOOO!  You ignored my warning and read it, didn't you?  I tried to stop you!

Well, I'll let you take a 30-minute breather and try to calm down.  Let me know when you're back.

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You're back?  Good!

It's an embarrassment, right?  Yeah, it's a fucking travesty.

Colin Cowherd was right about our football program.

"UVA is the softest bunch of creampuff, bowtie wearing, brie cheese eating, ascot wearing wussies I’ve ever seen in my life. There is not a softer bunch of cookie dough eating weenies than the UVA football program. Those guys wear makeup to games. That is the biggest bunch of fru fru, daiquiri drinking, non alcoholic beer chugging weenies I’ve ever seen in my life. Want to know the most popular drink at tailgating at UVA football? Zima! Under soft, they have a Cavalier football logo in the dictionary. They wear suits to games! That’s absurd!"

It pissed us off, and still does. But the reason it bothers us so much is because there's so much truth to it.

Craig Littlepage has three priorities that take precedent over everything else: 1) All coaches, particularly head coaches, must be competitors; 2) Coaches must embrace teaching and learning; 3) coaches must be exemplary representatives of UVA.

Let's break this down real quick, shall we?

Precedent #1) All coaches, particularly head coaches, must be competitors.

Jesus H. Christ, that's like saying, "all airline pilots, particularly pilots in command, must not be afraid of heights."  I mean, sheeeeesh.  Must be competitors?  That's your number one precedent?  God damn.  I'd hate to meet a football coach who isn't a competitor.

Banky: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, okay? You following? 

Holden: Yeah. 

Banky: Good. Over here, we have an affectionate, easy to get along with, rah-rah, goodie-two-shoes football coach who isn't really a competitor. Down here, we have a hateful, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter competitor of a football coach. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? 

Holden: What is this supposed to prove? 

Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The friendly, non-competitive coach, the hateful, competitive coach, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny? 

Holden: The competitive coach.  

Banky: Good! Why?

Holden: I don't know. 

Banky: BECAUSE THE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION!

I will say this this in Littlepage's defense: If there were such a thing as a non-competitive head football coach, UVA would find him.

Precedent #2) Coaches must embrace teaching and learning.

Golly gee, you mean coaches need to actually COACH?  You mean they need to teach their players how to play the game at a higher level?  You mean they actually need to be concerned about keeping their players in school and eligible to compete?  Gosh.

I hope you are successfully reading my sarcasm, because I'm working hard to make it crystal fucking clear.

Precedent #3) Coaches must be exemplary representatives of UVA.

Okay, so we don't want any serial killers or animal sodomists, got it.

Seriously, has there ever been a lower bar set in the history of low-bar-setting?  Never mind, we just brought back a coach who went 5-7 after 2-10 and 4-8 seasons; a coach who is standing tall at 1-14 against our biggest rivals.  Like I said, it's an embarrassment and a fucking travesty.

I'll say it again: DO NOT buy tickets to football games through the UVA ticket office. If we keep buying what they're selling, they have no reason to change it. Let them suck on their orange slices and hand out their participation awards inside an empty stadium.

Oh, and here's some more fun news: Jamie Oakes at 247Sports (a must-subscribe for any self-respecting Hoofan) is reporting that Eli Harold and Max Valles are both planning to forego their remaining eligibility and declare for the 2015 NFL Draft.

I'll have a basketball post for you soon, promise.